me heart you. huhuuu..
do you?
thats all i need to know.
thank you.

dear,
like a bee, you’re busy flying back and forth through my mind.
ruining my concentration, your name keeps buzzing inside my brain.
and just like honey, the sweetness in you touched my heart.

though things are like roller coaster,
going up and down and up and down again
through the sweets and sours things I’ve felt
you’ve had become one of the stories of my life
ah, congratulations.

and thanks to you, i had lost my numbness.
like all other female creatures, i too become so fragile and feel hopelessly romantic


too bad, dear
all you have in mind and in your heart is her
and still only her.
and because of her, you have the heart of stone.
you are numb.

morning, noon, evening, night.
daylight, sun bright, moonlight, darkness.
alone, among crowds, with friends, with strangers.
sleeping, waking up, working, daydreaming.

you haunt me.
in a very unthinkable way.

and like drugs,
it addicts me. more and more.

movies are my getaway.
pictures are my ultimate soul-relaxing media.
music is home.
love is life.

crap.

hmm. let's see... what am i going to spill here.
maybe i shouldn't write something sensitive. or my boss would read this, in case she starts googling my name. hehe. or probably she had read this as we speak. oh well.
whatev.


me, you, and everyone we know.

i wonder if people google that title, they'll go directly to this site.
haha. this is me not smiling. this is a sorrow haha.
a greyish-black and white sort of smile.
a sinister to my own self.
dark black marker with a bold pointed tip. with that annoying smell that u just can't get rid of.
as bitter as that thick black coffee your old neighbour made.

yet i feel...
this familiar thing i've been feeling since a long time ago.
a feeling that you just can't describe.
unlike love, if you ever feel one.
a feeling where you don't feel a thing.
like everything's just... floating.
as if that smoke stays there. not moving.

it reminds me of the silence i heard in the middle of the sea.
where the water just stay still.
and you look ahead, but there's nothing you can see but darkness.

it's colorful, that red yellow green blue orange colors, they said.
yet what i could see was greyish black. i couldn't disagree though, since i'm colorblind.
so there i stood, in silence.

was this... just a shadow passing me by? blinded for a awhile while waiting for the sun to shine.
or is this, what they simply call...
numb.

why didn't you ask for my phone number??
eugghh.

you should've.

akhir-akhir ini perasaan gue nggak enak banget. sekarang pun masih.
i wonder why.

oh, and i dont feel happy.
i even forgot the last time i felt happy.
was it last year? last two years?
had i made the right decision?
and i swear i miss my friends, yg satu persatu pergi ke luar indo.
gimana bangsanya mau maju yah kalo anak negrinya malah keluar.
and why should i give a damn about all these?
man, i'm not happy.

crap.

it's very crowded and full of people. but i felt alone.
despite the fact that i get uncomfortable easily in a place full of people, i felt i didnt belong there.
it's not that i'm arrogant or anti-social, i was just too shy.

dan gue bukan kelewat lempeng.
believe it or not, gue pemalu. pemalu berlebihan. shy to the max.

damn it, rasanya mau ngomong sampe berbusa. but no, i didnt say a word.
i kept it all in my heart. ada kalanya gue males ngomong, whats the use. mostly dissapointments. my dissapointments.
but if i could let it all out... i'd say
you're too childish
i came here to see you
why not me
i didnt agree
i want a vacation
i hate those people
what am i to you
i'm glad there's soccer on tv, at least i know you're in front of tv, watching the game
i dont like her at all
dia yg gila apa elo yg jauh lebih gila
i miss u mother father brothers and sister
i had tried my best, and you said i didnt try to help. wtf!
gue takut
i feel alone, most of the times
anjrit kenapa mesti gue sih!
to help or not to help, to quit or not to quit. oh help
iri! iri!

and many more.
f!!

i love books.
ini awalnya kenapa dulu gue mau kerja di toko buku itu... well, i love the books, the music, the store itself, the people... i love everything in it. gue jadi terbiasa dimanja bisa baca buku-buku oke for free, sambil dengerin musik yang tak kalah oke pula. sampe akhirnya gue kerja beneran di tempat sekarang, that keeps me busy most of the times,gue jadi kehilangan ritual ke toko buku ataupun baca buku. akh, gue jadi kangen banget. udah lama nggak baca buku. all i read was magazines, fashion magazines mostly. kinda bored me. gue kangen sama ritual gue baca majalah-majalah desain, marketing, ekonomi, berita, sampe majalah science. huhuuu. buku anak-anak dengan ilustrasi yang bikin gue speechless saking amazednya, buku-buku ngga penting yang gue bingung mau gue taro di section apa saking ga jelasnya, tapi seru. ooh i miss those.
gue jadi ngerasa bego nan kuper ngga tau apa-apa lagi tentang dunia. i feel empty.

dan tadi gue mencuri waktu di kala lembur weekend ini buat ke toko buku. rasanya berasa pulang ke rumah.
senang.

hai aku datang :) lagi.
blog ini sebenernya... mau kuhapus saja,
tapi apa daya, dibuang sayang.
wow, udah 2 taun yang lalu terakhir posting.
betapa 2 taun ngerubah banyak hal ya.
i miss writing here.
i miss all of you.